Reprinted from Aish.com by permission

by Emuna Braverman

Men, it's really very simple: our deepest desire is to be loved. Here's how to do it.

Like men, women certainly want admiration and respect, but our deepest desire is to be loved. As the Chazon Ish, a prominent rabbi of the last century, wrote, "A woman's nature is to find favor in her husband's eyes." A woman's nature may also be to run big corporations -- I'm not suggesting anything limiting or demeaning -- only that love and accolades from our partner is what nourishes and sustains us and our marriages. ----------

We may want our husbands to appreciate the clever way we negotiated that last deal or the creative way we redecorated the living room, but love trumps all. We'll forgive many minor transgressions if we have that sense of being treasured, of being cared for. And conversely, nothing is more devastating than the suspicion that we have forfeited our husband's good will.

Is there any limit to the amount of reassurance a woman needs? The wise husband knows that the answer is no.

Men may think "Didn't I tell her yesterday that I loved her?" "Didn't I take her out for our anniversary?" "Is there any limit to the amount of reassurance a woman needs?"

The wise husband knows that the answer is no. And the smallest oversight can lead to vulnerability and insecurity. A friend of mine in a wonderful marriage shared this silly but illuminating story with me. Her husband always behaves in a very chivalrous manner and walks around and opens the car door for her. Does she need him to? Certainly not. Does she even always like it when he does? Not really.

But the other night when he didn't...she reminded herself that he was tired. He pointed out that the door was already unlocked. She focused on the fact that they were desperately escaping a house full of over-excited and unusually demanding children. Yet she was still hurt and felt threatened. She still had to talk it over with her husband and be reminded that it wasn't a commentary on her marriage or her husband's feelings for her. And as trivial as that story may sound, I know she's not alone. I know she's more typical than not.

That's why Rabbi Aaron Feldman writes in his book, The River, The Kettle and The Bird, "It is unconscionable to give her even the slightest grounds for this suspicion."

Moving beyond this negative injunction, men need to constantly express and demonstrate their love.

How?

Through gratitude. "Thank you for dinner." "Thank you for watching the kids." "Thank you for paying the bills." "Thank you for being there for me." "Thank you for brightening up my day."

Through praise. "That was a delicious dessert." "I like how you decorated the living room." "Our children are a real credit to you." "You handled that situation at work very diplomatically."

Through care and consideration. No matter how accomplished we are, no matter how many tasks we can accomplish on our own, we like to have someone taking care of us, looking out for us, (dare I say) protecting us. I don't need my husband to kill bugs for me (although I do prefer he handle the occasional rodent who mistakes our home for his!) but I do like him to assuage my fears and anxieties (call me wimp or call me honest) and I know I'm not alone. When Yaakov fears war with his brother Esau, he places his wives and children in a safer position near the back of the group. His wives are the mothers of the whole Jewish people. They've shaped who we are today. They had characters that we admire and attempt to emulate. And they took the protected position in the back.

Through really listening. There is nothing more frustrating than talking to your husband and feeling like he is a million miles away. Whether at the office or at the breakfast table, men have to make the effort to refocus when their wives are speaking. If it was an important business contact, you'd refocus pretty quickly; your wife is your most important contact of all. I used to repeat myself over and over until I finally got a response. I've learned to say it once and then ask immediately for feedback, "Did you hear that idea or should I say it again?" Women want to be seen (and complimented on how they look) and desperately need to be heard.

Through clear words and eye contact: "I love you."

And through physical affection.

An aspect of feeling loved is feeling desired. It's Marriage 101 that if your wife asks you if she looks fat, the answer is ALWAYS no. Even if she's expecting triplets! There is NO mitzvah of honesty in this situation. But more than that, while "You don't look fat" is certainly better than "You could use to lose a few pounds," "You always look beautiful to me" is best of all. "No matter what you weigh, I'll always find you attractive" is also good. And don't stop there. "I like the way that dress looks on you." "Those are great colors." "That's a good style for you." Even an appreciative smile goes a long way.

Because a woman's desire is to be loved, criticism can be overwhelming. It's hard for women to be objective and see a piece of "helpful advice" as one small part of a generally loving picture.

For most wives, one piece of criticism from their husbands makes them feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them, like their foundation is shaken. If a small lack of attention makes a woman feel that her marriage is at risk, how much more so a harsh, critical word?

Some husbands think it's their job to help their wives grow through constant, constructive criticism. Wrong. Not only will your wife not grow, she will be destroyed and your marriage will be too.

Once in a while (my husband hasn't found one yet!) there is a situation that needs to be addressed. It must be handled with love, gentleness and caring, and more love, gentleness and caring in order for a woman to hear the issue and be able to respond appropriately.

What do women really want? King Arthur of Camelot sums up the Torah position nicely. After he expresses his frustration that all his learning at the feet of the greatest magician, Merlin, hasn't taught him anything about marriage, the king sings, "The way to handle a woman is to love her, simply love her, merely love her, love her, love her."

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Second article same author.

It can't be stated often enough.If you don't have a healthy way of expressing your thoughts and emotions to each other, of speaking and being heard, then everything else will ultimately crumble.

In order to have a successful marriage you have to make yourself an expert in communication.You have to try to understand what your partner is saying on a simple level as well as try to analyze the underlying message or desire.

The last thing a woman wants to hear when she complains about her weight is a suggestion for a new diet plan.

For example, the last thing a woman wants to hear when she complains about her weight is a suggestion for a new diet plan.Actually the last thing she probably wants to hear is, "Yes dear, you do need to slim down a little!"

Nor does she want just a sympathetic ear (just when a man thinks he's mastered the art of good listening).What she really wants is for her husband to say, "You look terrific!" "You look thin!" "You look so young!"

Having said that it is important to look at what Virginia Satir calls the "metacommunication." This is the underlying message, the motivation behind the communication. We all need to be amateur psychologists and try to figure out what our partner really wants. For example, when Susan tells her husband that she isn't feeling well, that may be her way of saying "could you drive the children to ice skating lessons today dear?" or it may be her way of expressing a need for more attention from her spouse. As I'm about to illustrate we can't all be mind readers, but it is important to try to focus not just on the words being said, but what may possibly be implied as well.

It is important to hear what your spouse is really saying, but it is also important for the other side to give clues.

We shouldn't expect our mates to intuit our needs nor rely on some level of divine inspiration. If there's a special necklace you want for your birthday, point it out to your husband.It will save him the agony of choosing and spare you both needless pain.It works both ways -- maybe he doesn't want socks this year.

TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU WANT Joe is the romantic type.Every week after he got engaged he brought his fiancee flowers.He even sent her flowers every day of the week before their wedding.

He continued this practice a number of years into their marriage.

Finally Emily, his wife, ever the unsentimental and practical one, spoke up."You know Joe, I really love you and I like that you want to bring me flowers.But I actually don't like flowers that much.And besides, they die so soon after that I feel like we've wasted our money.I'd rather you saved up for a more lasting gift."

If we want something, we need to say it.

Luckily this is a very trivial example.But being able to express yourself in the small areas will lead to open discussion in the big areas as well.If we want something, we need to say it.

It sounds so obvious, but how many hurt and angry couples come in for counseling saying "he should have known..." or "she should have realized..."?How should he have known? How should she have realized?Did you tell him/her?

DON'T RELY ON INTUITION

I have a friend who never makes grocery lists.She goes to the supermarket and relies on her intuition.This led to, at one point, 12 jars of mustard in her refrigerator.

This approach to life has relatively little impact on her, other than maybe leading to excessive consumption of hot dogs, but in marriage it could be disastrous.

This approach could be disastrous in a marriage.

Don't rely on your intuition. Ask. Don't rely on his/her intuition.Tell.

"You knew I wasn't feeling well.Why didn't you offer to make dinner? "This and many similar dialogues often lead to tension around the home.Yet the solution is so simple. "I'm really not feeling well dear. Would you mind making dinner?"

It is a common assumption that prophetic power is proof of your spouse's undying love and devotion.Let's destroy that myth right now.Tell your spouse what you want.His or her thoughtful response to your explicitly expressed needs is a sign of commitment.

While we're on the topic, don't ask for signs or proofs.It will get you in trouble. Everyone expresses their caring and develops their love in differing ways and at varying rates. A confrontation over "do you love me?" will be just that -- a confrontation. Express yourself in a way that shows understanding of your spouse's personality and he will respond in kind.

Perhaps the most essential quality for good communication in any relationship, and particularly in a marriage, is to be a good listener.

Take a minute to ask yourself if you listen attentively when your partner speaks.Or is your mind on tonight's dinner, tomorrow's business meeting, Bloomingdale's sale ... Do you comprehend clearly what you mate is saying?

LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER

Sometimes when my husband and I are quarreling, he'll stop me in the middle to say: "What am I saying, and what are you saying, and what's the difference? "It's infuriating but effective.

Frequently I find that I've been so caught up in hearing myself talk or the passion of the moment that I haven't really been listening.I'm amazed to discover that our positions aren't that far apart, in fact they're not apart at all.

I've been so caught up in hearing myself talk that I haven't really been listening.

If this is a difficult issue for you it sometimes helps to establish structure.You could set aside a time where you are required to listen to your mate without interrupting for 10 minutes.Don't plan your defense or rebuttal.Just listen. You'll be surprised at how much you'll learn and when it's your turn you'll realize a unique pleasure in being able to express yourself freely.

Another technique psychologists favor is called active listening.There are many variations on this theme but the basic style is mirroring back what your partner says."I hear you saying..."

Keep doing it until you get it right. Maybe many of your misunderstandings are because your heard your partner wrong the first time, or you didn't hear your partner at all.

We have numerous distractions in our lives today -- telephones, televisions, and now the Internet.If we want to be listened to with concentration, we must provide the same.Hang up the phone when your spouse walks in the door.Turn off the TV.Escape from the Web.Otherwise your mate feels like second best, and when you have something to say it will also fall on deaf ears.

We have to remember that marriage creates a unity, a oneness.We can use our powers of communication to solidify that unity or, God forbid, to tear it asunder.

As the Chazon Ish, a great Jewish scholar, wrote "Treat your wife as a left hand protecting the right one ... and not an independent limb."If we accept this attitude we will recognize that spending time and energy to improve communication is the way to achieve a true marital bond.

Rabbi Moshe Aaron Stern, a great rabbi who passed away a number of years ago, would often tell this story: When he was a student in yeshiva, he was heartily enjoying his dinner at the end of a long day of studies. "Moshe, you really love that fish, don't you?" his teacher asked.

"Yes," he responded between bites. "It's delicious, I love it."

"Moshe," his teacher gently admonished, "it's yourself you love. If you really loved the fish, you wouldn't eat it!"

This lighthearted example can be applied to more important relationships, particularly to marriage. Is your marriage about the fulfillment of your needs and your passions? Or is it about giving to your spouse? What would he like? What does she need? How can I make him more comfortable? How can I contribute to her happiness?

The Torah tells us that when Yaakov worked seven years for Rachel it was like a few days to him. This is puzzling. Usually when we want something badly, the days drag on slowly, the hours seem endless. (Think high school waiting for the phone to ring!) Why was Yaakov's experience the diametric opposite of ours?

Because, as traditional sources suggest, it wasn't about him. It wasn't about satisfying his body, his needs. His goals were spiritual, transcendent and he was content to rely on the Almighty's wisdom in fulfilling them when appropriate.

This may be a loftier ideal than many of us aspire to or can even imagine. But here's a much simpler suggestion. Examine your actions vis-a-vis your spouse and ask, "Who do I think about more: my mate or myself?" This tool is not limited to marriage. All your relationships -- with your parents, children, friends, and colleagues -- could be deepened by the application of this principle.

And be careful. Don't underestimate our power to rationalize. We are adept at discovering sophisticated reasons why what we're doing is really for our partner. It only appears to benefit us! After all, if we're happy, they're happy, right?

Gifts are a perfect example. How often do we buy gifts for others that we really want for ourselves? And vice versa? (A new chain saw? Just what I've always wanted!) For my first birthday as a married woman, my husband bought me the camera I had requested. So far, so good. However in the purchasing and experimenting with the camera, he became so fascinated by photography that I have yet to take a picture with it! Okay, he gets credit for starting off with good intentions...

Once a day do something for you spouse you know they will enjoy.

Thinking of the needs and desires of others isn't easy. We are inherently selfish and it takes tremendous effort and strength of purpose to rise above it.

I recently heard a radio show featuring women widowed in their sixties, women who claimed to have enjoyed good marriages. This particular sampling was now enjoying their single life also. "No one to answer to, no one else's needs to consider, no one to plan around" they all proclaimed excitedly.

Even with the appreciation of the power of beauty of a good marriage, the desire to satisfy only ourselves rises strongly.

By constantly asking, "Who am I doing this for?" we can shift the focus towards others. "Constantly" is a lot. Let's try once a day. Once a day do something for you spouse you know they will enjoy. Make their favorite dinner (not your favorite dinner!) Get a book you know they want to read, bring a cup of coffee and a Danish to their office even if it's out of your way -- especially if it's out of your way. Call your spouse just to say, "I'm thinking of you" --unless they don't like being interrupted at work in which case your act of kindness would be to leave them alone!

There are no guarantees that your mate will reward you for your efforts. But there is a guarantee that you'll grow from it yourself, perhaps ultimately making it a selfish act after all.

Email this site to my clueless husband.

EMAIL THIS WEBSITE TO MY CLUELESS HUSBAND. HE NEEDS TO READ THIS ARTICLE. CLICK HERE NOW

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in Psychology from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn't writing for the internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many shabbos guests.