Transform a relationship mired in negativity into one based on trust and safety.

Love is a very delicate feeling. It flees from an atmosphere filled with blame, anger and sarcasm and grows in an environment of respect, acceptance and honesty. The following 10 marital proscriptions -- if followed consciously and conscientiously-- will transform a relationship mired in negativity into one based on trust and safety. -----------------

Why a list of marital taboos rather than a positive "to do" list of marital suggestions? The following Talmudic story answer the question:

A non-believer confronted the great sage Hillel, the Elder, and demanded that he teach him the entire Torah while standing on one foot. Hillel agreed and said the following: "What's hateful to yourself don't do to another. Everything else is commentary. Now go and learn." Many commentators have wondered why he chose to answer in the negative rather than quoting the famous Biblical proscription "To love thy neighbor as thyself."

My understanding is quite simple. We understand what it is that hurts us; we've experienced how painful a critical statement or disdainful look can feel; we've seen how one negative comment can harm or even destroy a relationship and we know that the negative things that we do or that are done to us can far outweigh our or others' positive behaviors.

Therefore, the first step in improving a relationship is to eradicate the negative behaviors that continually pollute the marital environment. It doesn't help to plant rose bushes in a toxic waste field. First, we have to clean up the poison and then we can beautify the area. The more we sensitize ourselves to the subtle ways that we have hurt our partners, the more we enable our feelings of love to blossom.

As you read each of the following 10 Things, I encourage you to practice the exercises. The challenge of marriage demands a commitment to the three P's -- practice, persistence and patience. Just do it, and you'll begin to see the benefit. Even if only one of the partners in the relationship makes a concerted effort to change, the results will still be quite significant.

1. DON'T TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR GRANTED

Marriage is probably the most effective and challenging training program for developing character. Many of the encounters we have with our partners afford us an opportunity to practice self-control, kindness and respect. At any given moment, for example, you could be confronted with a choice between lashing out in anger or communicating your resentment. At another moment, the choice might be between taking your partner for granted or expressing appreciation.

You're either taking your spouse for granted or your acknowledging her kindness. There's no middle ground.

The injunction to stop taking your partner for granted is unique among the 10 Things. The only way to fulfill it is by performing a positive act, namely showing appreciation. You're either taking your spouse for granted or your acknowledging her kindness. There's no middle ground. It is also the best means for overcoming selfishness. In order to reach the point where you have a real desire to express appreciation you have to uproot three negative attitudes -- a sense of entitlement, unrealistic expectations and conscious amnesia.

Entitlement is that sense that whatever you do for me I deserve, so why bother thanking you. It's the attitude that my needs come first and it's your job to meet them. Closely aligned with a sense of entitlement is the attitude that if I expect it, you're obligated to do it. With entitlement and expectations, we relate to our partners as if they are extensions of ourselves, not unlike a baby's relationship to his mother's breast. When he cries, he expects to be fed immediately. Conscious amnesia or mindlessness is the art of ignoring or forgetting the obvious. We become oblivious to those small and large kindnesses that our partners do for us. I suspect a sense of entitlement or expectation leads to a state of conscious amnesia.

If you wish to know if you're taking your partner for granted, then I suggest you ask yourself the following question: Are you as polite, kind and considerate to your partner as you are to a casual acquaintance or to a colleague? For most of us, the answer is no. So, ask yourself this question: How would you feel if your partner treated you impolitely, ignored your kindnesses and was inconsiderate of your needs? Before answering, remember the words of Hillel the Elder, "What's hateful to you, don't do to another."

Exercise

Record those things that your partner does for you -- both large and small. Try to include everything from the cup of coffee he makes for you in the morning to the efficient way that she manages the finances.

Ask yourself, "Among those things that your partner does for you, do you show appreciation and in what manner do you express it?" Most likely, you'll discover that for a good of portion of the kindnesses on the list you've probably never expressed your gratitude.

Try committing yourself to a week of expressing your appreciation and notice the change. You might even consider writing a letter of appreciation to your partner.

2. DON'T MIND-READ

Don't assume that you know what your partner is thinking and feeling. There's a good chance you could be wrong, and wrong assumptions cause unnecessary conflict.

Imagine this situation. You walk into the living room and there's your husband sitting on his favorite chair glaring at the wall. His lips are tight; his jaw is clenched. Your immediate reaction: fear! "What did I do? Why is he so angry at me?" You tentatively approach him, "What's the matter, David?" you ask, expecting him to pour his wrath upon you. David slowly turns toward you. The tense, angry look begins to melt and he says sadly, "I've been laid off." "Thank God," you almost blurt out, "at least it wasn't me."

In this case, the woman checked out her assumptions and discovered that her husband wasn't upset with her. Yet, how often does it happen that we make the wrong assumptions and just go on believing them without ever discovering if they're true?

It often happens during the process of marital therapy that assumptions, illusions and fantasies are exposed as false or only partially true. For example, the angry, critical husband who supposedly hates his wife might in fact be an insecure man who is convinced that his wife doesn't love him. Perhaps, as in one case that I know of, a distant, rejecting wife turned out to be a very sad woman, grieving the loss of her mother. Don't assume. Check it out.

Exercise

Take a piece of paper and without thinking too much about it, complete the following sentence: "I assume that my partner thinks or feels.... about me."

After you compile your list, try checking out your assumptions.

I suspect that you'll discover that many of your assumptions are incorrect. However, it is possible that your partner will acknowledge the validity of some of your assumptions. This may be painful but it's far better to deal with reality than unverified assumptions. At least now, you have the possibility of resolving the issue.

3. DON'T BLAME

How easy it is to say, "It's your fault. You made me do it. It's because of you that things are so bad between us. You're the reason I feel so miserable." It's so hard to look at ourselves and ask, "What's my part in creating the difficulties between us?"

It's so hard to look at ourselves and ask, "What's my part in creating the difficulties between us?"

Blaming is a form of disempowerment. In essence, when I blame I am saying to my partner that she controls my feelings and behavior. My relationship to her is like that of Pavlov's dog -- the bell rings, the dog salivates. My wife forgets to say hello, and I blow up.

When we blame, we deny our partner the opportunity to think seriously about our words and to respond in a thoughtful manner. Instead of expressing our legitimate grievances and feelings, we accuse and threaten, which only invites a similar response. The result is either a skirmish or an all out war, and, as we so painfully understand, all is fair in love and war and marriage is both.

So, what's the antidote to blaming? The answer is simple: Take responsibility for yourself. Putting it into practice, however, is a challenge. It's hard to give up that feeling of being right. It's so difficult to let go of that need to force a confession out of our partners. I'll let you in on a marital truth: Being "right" in a relationship is the booby prize. You win; the relationship loses. If you want the relationship to win, try looking hard at what your part is in creating the conflict. Ask yourself, "What am I doing to create distance and hurt?"

Exercise

Write a list of all the ways you blame your spouse. For example, "It's because of you that the house is a mess" or "You're the reason Sara is running around with a bad crowd. It's because you never spend any time with her."

Take a good hard look at yourself and record what you're responsible for.

Look for solutions in each of these situations. In the last example, she might consider telling her husband, "I'm worried that Sara is running around with a bad crowd. I'd like to talk about what we can do about it." She might be pleasantly surprised to discover that when approached respectfully, her husband, on his own, will realize that he needs to spend more time with his daughter.

4. DON'T INTERPRET

Think about how you would feel if your partner were to tell you, "Now I understand why you're so critical. You're just like your father. I'm sure he was even more critical of you than you are of me." Would you experience this so-called analysis of your behavior as helpful, as contributing to your self-knowledge and personal development?

I think the answer is self-evident. The words might appear to contain insightful information, but, in fact, they are resentments cloaked in a garment of objective concern. You might believe you understand your partner's deepest motivations and the subtlest nuances of his behavior, and you might think you're being objective and helpful when you interpret his behavior, but I can tell you that nobody who is deeply involved in a relationship can maintain professional distance. More often than not, our interpretations come from a place of self-interest and a desire to change our partners.

I don't want my wife to interpret what I think and feel. I want her to listen.

Perhaps, you're like me. I don't want my wife to interpret what I think and feel. I want her to listen. I want her to hear. I want her to respond as a friend, as someone who is concerned about me. I want her to help me to understand myself by reflecting back what I am saying and by identifying the feelings that I am expressing.

Therefore, in order to avoid interpreting, let me suggest the following two antidotes: First, be clear about your resentments and be careful not to express them covertly through an analysis of your partner's behavior. Second, listen in an open, loving manner.

Exercise

The next time your partner talks to you, work extra hard at trying to understand her. Practice active listening by non-verbally indicating that you're hearing him. You can do this by maintaining eye contact and holding your partner's hand or embracing her in a caring, non-sexual manner.

Periodically, respond with supportive statements that acknowledge how your partner feels. An example might be, "I understand how angry you are at your boss. If I were you, I'd sure be furious."

5. DON'T SAY YES WHEN YOU MEAN NO

We're often afraid to say no to our partners. Perhaps, you're scared that she'll become angry, or, maybe, if you were to say "I'm sorry, I just don't want to do that," he'd be disappointed and you'd start feeling guilty. So, instead of asserting ourselves and saying what we want, we end up doing the opposite and feeling resentful. The problem with saying yes when we mean no is that we stop being real in the relationship. There's no intimacy in a relationship without honesty.

Becoming other-centered and giving does not mean that you have to sacrifice your feelings, wants and needs in order to satisfy your partner. If you do, you may very well feel resentful or distant. By expressing your true feelings and desires to your spouse, you enable him to relate to the real you rather than to some fictitious version of what you think he wants. The same Hillel, the Elder, whom I quoted earlier, said something very relevant and profound: "If I am not for me who am I? And, if I am for myself alone, what am I? And if not now, when?"

It may be that when you start to say no when you mean no, you'll say yes when you mean yes and your spouse might feel safer knowing that he can trust what you're saying. More likely, however, the change in your behavior will at first be threatening to your partner. Remember he's not used to your honesty. She might be painfully surprised to learn that not all your yeses were indeed yeses.

It's important to know that any time you change the rules in a relationship there's bound to be conflict. That's okay. Conflict is often necessary for a relationship to grow. Through conflict, two people can create a deeper understanding of one another and develop a stronger bond.

If you already have a strong connection with your spouse, then your commitment to honesty will only deepen that relationship. If you don't, I recommend that you proceed carefully. Before you start being totally honest, try assessing what your partner's reaction will be. Some couples may need professional guidance to help them make the transition from a relationship based on wanting the other's approval to a relationship grounded in truth. The process of reaching a deeper level of honesty is often bumpy, but once you arrive, it's well worth it.

Exercise

Write the following on a piece of paper: "I'm afraid to tell my partner...."

Prioritize the list, one being the easiest of your truths to reveal, two the second easiest and so on.

Imagine approaching your partner and telling him or her the truth. Notice how you feel as you do that. Try breathing easily and gently tell yourself to relax. When you're able to visualize speaking to your partner, then take the risk to do it in reality. Start with the easiest (1) and go down your list.

6. Don't Use Silence As A Weapon

Silence is a deadly weapon. It's far better for a couple to engage in a non-violent, verbal fight where at least they can express what's bothering them than to resort to an icy silence where all they can do is imagine how many different ways they're angry with one other.

Silence is a form of emotional banishment. We punish our partners by cutting them off and refusing to acknowledge their existence. An angry silence communicates the message that my partner is the guilty party and if she wishes any further contact with me, then she will have to apologize and ask for my forgiveness. It is a powerful form of control and manipulation and has no place in a marriage.

Therefore, in order to resolve conflicts effectively, you need to learn how to express resentments in a way that can be heard, acknowledged and resolved. That skill is of utmost importance in a marriage; without it, small problems become major catastrophes.

So, how do you learn to say all those things that are so hard to say? And, how do you say them to a partner who may be reactive? There are no simple answers and like with the previous injunction of "Don't Say Yes, When You Mean No," you may need to seek professional help to learn how to resolve your marital difficulties. However, before you make that decision try the following exercise to help you to express your anger.

Exercise

Write a list of your resentments in the following way: "I resent you for x." Write a letter to your partner about what's bothering you. Try to start from a positive, loving place. Be careful not to blame or accuse. If you are aware of what your part is in creating problems, tell him. Your partner will be much more open to looking at his part if he feels you're doing the same. Here is a small sample of a potential letter:

Dear David,

I feel a real need to talk about us. I love you and want our marriage to work. What I'm about to tell you might hurt you. It's not my intention. What I want to do is for us to be close. But there are things I want to get off my chest. Please think about what I'm writing and try hard not to react with anger.

This is hard for me but here goes. I am upset with you for...

We all know that anger is a powerful emotion that can destroy a relationship. Thus, learning how to master your negative feelings is an essential skill for creating a wonderful relationship. The first step to controlling your anger, rather than having your anger control you, is to recognize your resentments and to express them before they reach a toxic level. When you give yourself permission to let go of these three obstacles to good communication, you will have made a giant leap toward creating a loving marriage.

7. Don't Act Out

Acting out is indirectly expressing feelings and emotions through behavior. For example, a teenage girl might act out by failing in school or using drugs or alcohol as a way of expressing her anger towards her parents. She's afraid to express her true feelings so she resorts to attention-getting behaviors that alarm and infuriate her parents. Acting out behavior, as provocative as it can be, is really an unconscious and awkward attempt at establishing a relationship.

There is no end to the ways that we have of saying, "I'm really angry at you."

In marriage, couples act out by making messes, by withdrawing, by being emotionally and physically abusive, by becoming depressed, by being irresponsible with money and even by attempting suicide. There is no end to the ways that we have of saying, "I'm really angry at you."

One of the most common forms of acting out behavior is by being passive aggressive. Some typical examples of passive aggressive behavior are promising to do something and then failing to do it, leaving your clothes strewn around the room, being irresponsible with money, playing helpless and being uninterested in marital relations.

So, what is the solution for acting out behavior? The answer, not surprisingly, is direct communication -- learning how to say to your partner what's really on your mind. Acting out behavior masks the real problem and instead focuses the couple on the behavior itself.

To practice your skill at direct communication, try the following exercise:

Exercise

Find a quiet, comfortable place where you will not be disturbed for 30 minutes. Close your eyes and breathe easily and effortlessly. Stay focused on your breathing. In a relaxed manner, observe your breath as you inhale and exhale. After a few minutes ask yourself the following question: "What is it that I do that bothers my partner?" For example, it might be the mess you leave; the way you spend money, or your lateness. Be honest with yourself.

After you've become aware of these behaviors, write them down. Ask yourself if you wish to continue to use these methods to express your feelings. If the answer is "No," then ask yourself, "What purpose do these behaviors serve and what would be a more effective way of communicating the feelings that these behaviors are expressing? Be aware that this process might uncover some deep hurts and resentments. Remember that dealing with the truth is ultimately the only way to heal your relationship. Be careful not to dump all of your negative feelings on your partner at once.

8. Don't Discount

A discount is a remark designed to reduce your partner's self worth. Some examples of discounting statements are: "You're so lazy." "You're irresponsible and untrustworthy." "You're a terrible father and an awful husband." It's amazing how creative we can be when it comes to identifying our partner's blemishes. Most likely, each one of us can compile a detailed list of our partners' bad habits, unacceptable character traits and generally difficult behaviors. In the midst of an argument, the temptation to use this information can be overwhelmingly powerful.

Try to resist. If not, you can be sure your partner will react in one of two ways: he or she will either respond in kind or deny. Neither reaction solves problems or creates intimacy.

Instead of making angry statements that begin with "You," try making "I" statements. Examples of "I" statements are: "I feel angry when..." "I resent it when you do such and such a thing..." Not "You are such an idiot! "You are such a slob!" "You always leave messes!" "You're just like your mother. Both of you are disorganized incompetents." Her behavior won't change because of that piece of feedback.

However, it might, if you were to say, "You know, Greg, it bothers me when the house is not clean. I know you're busy and I know it's hard for you but I would appreciate it if you could clean it up." Now, I'm not promising that he won't be defensive, but I do believe he'll be less reactive than if you were to criticize him for his sloppy behavior.

Exercise

Make a list of all the angry "you" statements that you can think of. Change the "you" statements into "I" statements by writing "I feel x (your feeling) when you do y (your partner's behavior). Practice making "I" statements with your partner.

9. Don't Threaten

The creative and destructive potentials of a marital relationship are enormous. Even the most loving relationship can degenerate into a vicious struggle between bitter enemies. In this dangerous marital game, nothing is sweeter than getting even and the only thing that counts is winning. Verbal and physical threats and abuse become the weapons of marital discord.

Under no circumstances whatsoever will I at any time make a verbal or physical threat toward my spouse.

The only advice you can give to a couple that is engaged in such a struggle is: Seek professional help or, in the case of physical abuse, find immediate protection.

Fortunately, most of us are not contestants in such a fierce and destructive battle. More than that, I'm assuming that each of you wants to learn how to create a peaceful and loving relationship. If so, let me be bold enough to offer a stern warning. Never threaten your partner or act in any way that frightens, intimidates or abuses her.

No matter how angry you are, make the following pledge to yourself: Under no circumstances whatsoever will I at any time make a verbal or physical threat toward my spouse. If it's not clear to you what a threat is, let me define it as any statement, gesture or act that is designed to create physical or emotional pain in your partner. A partner who threatens is a partner who feels deeply hurt and wounded by his spouse. The only way she knows to relieve her suffering is by making her spouse feel as miserable as she. If getting even seems more important than being heard, then you're one small step from a dangerous crisis.

If I were to ask most couples in an abusive relationship if they really want to hurt each other, they would invariably respond with the following answers: "No, I just get so frustrated when she doesn't hear me that I just lose it." Or, "I hate what's happening to us, but I've tried so hard to get him to understand me and he just refuses to listen. So, now all I want to do is hurt him." Out of pain and frustration, some couples resort to emotional and physical violence, believing it to be the only way they can protect themselves.

Exercise

If you find yourself filled with anger toward your spouse, then do the following rage reduction exercise. However, before proceeding I want to offer a word of caution. It may be necessary for you and your partner to receive professional help in order to learn how to manage your deep resentments. Additionally, in the case of physical abuse, the only solution is to seek immediate help and shelter.

Go into a room where you won't be disturbed and with either your hands or with a tennis racket beat a pillow until you feel your rage dissipating. It might be helpful to yell or scream as you're beating the pillow. I would only recommend you do that if no one will hear you. Next, list all the ways you resent your partner. Start each sentence with "I resent you for..."

Write a letter to your partner and tell him or her what's bothering you. Try not to blame but write about your hurt and loneliness and about what's missing in the relationship.

10. Don't Triangulate

In some ways a couple in conflict instinctively behaves like two nations preparing for war. In each case, the warring parties create alliances in order to strengthen their respective positions. Where they differ is that a couple in conflict sometimes develops those alliances unconsciously.

In a relationship, the partner that feels the most discomfort eventually withdraws from the other and finds a third person who functions as a supportive ally. In the lingo of marital psychology, this is called triangulation. For example, a wife who is feeling lonely and cut off from her husband might increase her involvement with one or more of the children as a way of decreasing her unhappiness. A child who is especially sensitive to the suffering of one of the parents might decide to become that parent's "caregiver". A child in that role usually feels torn apart and on some level resentful about having to parent the parent.

As long as there are triangles, it's impossible for a couple to deal directly with the source of their problem.

Sometimes a teenager who is acting out will unconsciously stabilize the relationship between the parents. It is as if the teen has super radar that picks up on the parents' marital distress and responds by drawing each of them away from their marital problems toward his drug abuse or her school failure. There is no end to the creative ways children can act out in order to divert their parents from dealing with the uncomfortable truth about their marriage.

As long as there are triangles, it's impossible for a couple to deal directly with the source of their problem. It is an obstacle to intimacy and real marital love. However, it's difficult for the partner and the third person to withdraw from their involvement with one another.

The cure for triangulation is trust and intimacy. The question is: How does a couple whose relationship is marked by conflict, rejection and mistrust turn it around? If there's no trust, how do you develop a trusting relationship? I am going to propose the following steps to help you move in that direction:

Exercise

Identify with whom you are triangulated and make an effort to reduce the level of emotional involvement with that individual. Be straight about what's missing in your marriage. Write down what you would like to change in your relationship. For example, if you hardly spend any time with one another, you might write, "I would like to spend one evening a week alone with you." Write a letter to your partner and tell him or her what's bothering you about the relationship. Avoid blaming and write about how you would like to improve the marriage.

After a few days, approach your partner and try to talk about what you've written. If the response is positive, then begin the work on improving your relationship. You may need professional help to succeed. If your partner is willing, look for a competent marital therapist.

There is a consistent, underlying assumption that forms the basis for the Ten Things: there are specific principles and skills in marriage and that everyone is capable of learning them. A beautiful marriage is within the reach of most couples who choose to make their relationship a priority and who are willing to commit themselves to a lifelong training program on how to create love and happiness in their lives.

Reprinted by permission: Aish.com copyright © 1995 - 2004 Aish HaTorah

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